Leadership=Relationship

It's tough to be a great elementary school teacher if you're not interested in establishing a relationship with kids. Can you imagine being married for fifty years and having a miserable relationship with your spouse? Yikes!

The same holds true if you want to be a respected leader. You have to want to -- and be willing to take the time and make the effort -- to build a relationship with those you're leading.

If you're a leader today, there are countless ways to learn about connecting with others in the workplace:

• many CEOs hire executive coaches
• bookstores are full of self-help books that detail how to build and manage relationships on the way to the top
• some find a mentor with the emotional intelligence to engage and inspire people

But, there isn't a lot of hard scientific evidence in those books and personal resources to show what makes or breaks work relationships. A lot of it seems to revolve around personal chemistry, which is almost magic-like. There is, however, a growing body of research to show what it takes to have successful relationships at home.

That's good news, especially if you believe -- as most psychologists do -- that the way someone manages their work relationships is a lot like the way they manage their personal ones. If you're distant with your loved ones, chances are you're distant at work. If you're engaged with your family, your employees will probably find you engage them as well. Abusive at home? That will show up somehow at work.

Here's someone leaders can learn from: relationship guru John M. Gottman, executive director of the Relationship Research Institute in Seattle (...known as the "Love Lab").

He's been studying marriage and divorce for 35 years. He's screened, interviewed and tracked thousands of couples over time. With the help of heart monitors, biofeedback and video cameras, he measures what goes on when couples experience moments of conflict and closeness. By mathematically analyzing the data, Gottman has generated hard scientific data about what makes good relationships.

The way the couples treat each other during the videotaped conversations predicts who will stay married 94 percent of the time. Ninety-four percent!

Who do you know who can accurately predict 94 percent of any human behavior? And what's even more mind-boggling is that the researchers have to watch the couples for only 15 minutes to predict marital success.

What's the element that determines their long-term relational success?

Here's the nugget! Couples who demonstrated the ability to work through differences by stating their views honestly and respectfully stayed together.

Consider the workplace, where the same skill-set applies: if leaders can work through differences with others --direct reports, peers, and boss -- by stating their views honestly and respectfully, they'll stand apart as someone worthy of trust and respect...and thus, someone worthy of following. Sounds like a skill-set worth learning, huh?

• Learn more about Gottman and his research in the December '07 Harvard Business Review.
• Ask yourself, "Am I as eager to listen to others as I am to talk to them?" Then honestly listen to your answer. Ask other trusted individuals as well, those who will honestly and respectfully tell you the truth. (Recognize that characteristic?).
• Envision a saltshaker full of yeses (as in, "Yes, that's a perspective I hadn't considered.") that you sprinkle throughout your interactions with others. That's the metaphor that Gottman says describes what a relationship is: looking for ways to accentuate the positive in others and in your relationship with them.

The result? The formula for success. Leadership=Relationship=Success.